Thursday, December 29, 2011

my heart is full

i'm still trying to wrap my mind around it
trying to grasp the reality of the life i'm living right now
because what's going on is pretty unbelievable.
& what is to come is pretty unbelievable.

i think i have a tendency to want to understand it all at once, so i can hold it all in my arms and just sit with it for a while. but i've come to realize & accept that's not possible. i've come to understand that's not even what i want. i don't want the big picture, i want to purely exist in these moments that are so alive and are given to me. these moments, these breaths, these people, these emotions are gifts from God. i'd be missing it if i had it all. i wouldn't be able to appreciate the tenderness & intimacy of every experience and creature in my life. & that's why right now, i'm able to just sit in excitement for the journey ahead of me.

i am going to hawaii. 
i will be there in less than a week.

i'm going to meet beautiful people with beautiful souls
i'm going to smell & taste unfamiliar foods
i'm going to see things that will make me cry
i'm going to read things that will breathe new life
i'm going to experience things i'm not even ready for
i'm going to follow Jesus.

& my heart is so full.

so, i'm going.
i'm leaving. 
& because i don't like the sound of that,
we'll say i'm going on a little voyage. 
i'm just going off for a bit & i'll be back soon.

and i couldn't have done it without any of you. your words, your wisdom, your encouragement & crazy amount of support, your love that reaches to the moon, your prayer, and your faith has helped make this possible.

thank you. forever. for always. for everything.

He can move mountains.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

living close to You

Stir up our hearts, O LORD, that our trust in YOU would speak of YOUR SON. Grant us, YOUR people, the wisdom to see YOUR purposes today and the openness to hear YOUR will, that we may witness to CHRIST’s coming and so prepare HIS way; through JESUS CHRIST our LORD, who lives and reigns with YOU and the HOLY SPIRIT, one GOD, now and forever.

this prayer rings so true, the words are exact for the desires in my heart towards my time in Advent & also my journey towards YWAM.

there's selflessness that comes with this, humility, an act of surrendering your life over to be open to the call of our Father. a willingness to be the hands and the feet of our God here on Earth.
for He is coming and we were created to live for Him.

this holiday season has been the first time where i've really understood what it's supposed to be about. what being thankful looks and really feels like. what Advent means & how it should be reflected. 
it's not about the crunch time to find perfect gifts, how much money is in my bank account, what date everyone is coming into town, or all the times of parties and dinners and shows. & although i already know that's not what the Holiday season is about, it's what seems to be the consistency of the conversations and actions leading up to the arrival of Christmas day. we have this eagerness and anxiousness during Christmas season. we want to finish finals and have a breath of fresh air, we want to get home and spend time with our families, but this isn't the right anticipation in our hearts.

there's stillness, bountiful amounts of joy and excitement, tender moments that are alive with beauty that could only come from our Father and a deep understanding of what God is doing in the weeks leading up to Christmas. do we experience this everyday? or do we experience stress?

we need to slow down
to quiet our hearts & minds and sit with the Lord
to ask for wisdom to see His purpose in today 
to prepare the way for the Lord for HE HAS COME, HE IS HERE, AND HE IS COMING.

what could be a better time to live this out than now?

it's so evident how shackled i was, even weeks ago!, with doubts and fears of my future. I was not still. i was not meditating on Him. my mind was racing through every possible option of what could happen in the future, believing that I needed to have everything figured out and I could do that all on my own. I was not trusting.

BUT GOD HAS RELEASED ME. there has been a transformation in my life (isn't it amazing how He keeps renewing & restoring!?) i am listening. i am surrendering my doubts, my fears, my desires, my life, over to Him and my mind is refreshed! i am ALIVE and only breathing in excitement. 

He has been making all things possible for me, from giving peace & acceptance to my friends and family, to delivering incredible amounts of income overnight. i am going. & i give SO much of my thanks to all of you who read & are moved by what God is doing, He is showing tangible pieces of his love through your donations and kind words. He gives so much encouragement through them & it's so evident how supported I really am. thank you. from the bottom of my heart. for reading, for giving, for praying, for loving.
He gives and He gives and He gives and He gives.

living close to You
we shall see Your hand
Your purpose
Your will through all things.
-St. Ignatius

may we all continue to live close to Him
to be fully present in the work He is doing right now
to be open & willing to hear Him
to let Him use our hands & feet for His Kingdom
to be a strong warrior 
& to forever give glory and praise to Him

for a daily piece of meditation this Advent season, check out Beautiful Advent & soak up the good Word of God. He is coming.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


i have a choice. 

everyday i am confronted with a decision. either to fall into worry & disbelief that the journey ahead of me will happen, or to trust, wholeheartedly, that God can do all things. that He can provide. that He can make YWAM happen.

& i have to remind myself this. daily. 
it's as if my mind tries to destruct all of this strength I have. as soon as I get up on my two feet, right as things are clear & i finally understand and believe, my mind finds every possible excuse, lie, or worry to replace all of the goodness and trust that was just planted.

but God is an intimate & all knowing God. this is when He does really beautiful things that just make me laugh at how silly my thoughts and actions are sometimes.

it's seems only right that i am experiencing these emotions right now, it's as if God has this witty little sense of humor reminding me that this is the time of Advent.

I need to still my heart.


do you know this word? have you experienced this in your heart?
there have been pure moments in the past few weeks where this tangible peace, this overwhelming sense of stillness has come over my heart. just a little reminder to quiet the thoughts in my head. to fully trust Him.

"remember, there are two things which are more utterly incompatible then even oil and water, and these two are trust and worry...when a believer really trusts anything, he ceases to worry about the thing which he has trusted. & when he worries, it is plain proof that he does not trust." Hannah Whitall Smith

"Jesus has come, Jesus is here, Jesus is coming"
i believe this.
I need to live my life acting like I believe this.
watching for Him.
living for Him.
being radically obedient for Him.

He has called me to go forth. to be a disciple to the Nations.

once struggling with a burden, my dearest friend Frances said this to me: "in that moment, when you choose other than to follow Christ in that decision, you are saying that He is not enough."

when i give in to worry, when i give in to fears and lies and deceptions, I am saying that my Maker is not enough. The one who made me. the one who sacrificed His whole life for me. so that i, a worthless sinner, could live. 

I need to make the choice.
to fully trust in Him.

i'm 1/3 of the way there financially. God provided an immense amount of money to me within a matter or two days last week to get me to this point. i'm 1/3 of the way there.
i can do this.
we can do this.
i will trust him.
i will quiet my mind.
i will still my heart.
i will be like Phillip & radically obey Him.
i will follow Him.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

take heart

"isn't it a great thing to feel the indwelling of the Holy Spirit permeate your entire being? and then follow his guidance into the unknown?

it is a ball of fright, passion & humility.
it is something that will impact the rest of your existence here.
don't forget about the journey it took to get to this point. 
Don't forget about the actual experience, the sentences you'll be living will end in a chapter. And don't forget to continue to let the Holy Spirit guide you as you heed his call -- even after this chapter is complete, you still have a whole story to live."

may the Holy Spirit guide your thoughts and actions. may you fully trust in the one who made you. may you relinquish all control to experience the freedom that openly awaits you. may you find joy and peace. may you die to yourself so that you may bring true life.

all things are possible through Him who dwells in me.

take heart, oh child.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

come my child, follow me

this is the beginning.

something brand new.

something fresh.
exciting, exhilarating, joyful.
here is where i put one foot in front of the other. 

here is where i trust, whole heartedly, in my Maker.

quite a while ago i heard a whisper deep inside. it sat in the back of my mind, in my bones, in the bottom of my heart and i pushed it aside until it grew. and it did not stop until i listened.

this whisper was a call.
& it has never been so clear to me that is was the voice of my Poppa, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

come my child, follow me.

this voice was with me for weeks, tearing my walls down, rattling my bones, shaking me to my core.

Jesus had a different plan for me. 

It no longer involved the concrete plan I had made for myself. He was asking me to drop the safety and comfort of my world and follow Him. 

So I am.

here marks the beginning of a journey to something I know God has  so deeply rooted in my heart. a seed that is growing so tall, so strong, and I want to share it with you.

come my child, follow me.

follow me to a new place, something different then what you intended. so I am embarking on a new journey towards YWAM. Youth With a Mission is an international volunteer movement dedicated to serving Jesus Christ throughout the world. Here I will have the opportunity to be a part of a ministry that is passionate about seeing authentic communities centered on the presence of God raised up around the Earth, spreading the good news of Jesus Christ through discipleship, sharing the unconditional love of Christ, and experiencing His grace. 

i have the opportunity to follow his call to this Discipleship Training Seminar in Kona, Hawaii from January to June of 2012. I am SO EXCITED to be a part of a community that pours out the good word and love of our Father. through this movement I will also be learning about God's character and nature, His voice, growing in my knowledge of the Gospel, worship & intercession, and being a disciple in God's kingdom. Another amazing opportunity I have through this Discipleship Training Seminar is the last two months. This time will be spent on an outreach phase overseas where we will be spending time building relationships with communities and showing light in areas that have never seen it.

I am SO EXCITED to follow my Father's call!

although I do not know what lies ahead for me, i do know to trust in my Fathers plan. I have the opportunity to know my Maker more, to study His word, and to use the gifts and passions He's given me all over the world in order for people to know who He is & fully understand His love.

this is the beginning.
this is me dropping my net and following Him.

this is beauty.

so my friends, family, and even the many of you I may not know, i ask you to keep this ministry & I in your thoughts and prayers for i cannot do this alone! It is only through Christ that YWAM may be made possible & for beautiful relationships to grow from it. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for Him. He makes beauty from ashes. 

if you would like to help me financially through my journey, please feel free! I need to raise $9,000 by January, so any amount you feel lead to donate is GREATLY appreciated. Checks or cash can be sent to me (so shoot me a comment or email at and i'll send you my address and other details) OR hit the DONATE BUTTON on the right side of the blog & donate to my cause! Most importantly, I just ask for your prayers with this ministry and with every person involved.

Once again, I am so excited to be able to share this with you & can't wait to see how God is moving in all of our lives. Please come back to read more about my journey & feel free to pass the story along!

for in everything we do, we are able to create Heaven here & now.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


a mouthful of gold lay inside, sweet like honey. there for me to cherish, there for me to savor for all my days to come.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


there's something about a pencil

about paint

about really good paper, you know, the really good kind

there's just something that inspires me. & as my favorite holiday approaches and all of this creativity is flowing abundantly from the community around me in creating the perfect costume, i am so excited to create. to make. to do.

there's something about a needle & thread.

about color.

& as artnog is creeping up, my brain is ticking about. so i'm going to create. and something that excites and encourages me, someone that gives me so much happiness and inspiration is one of the loveliest ladies i know, miss Rebecca Green. 

i have the pleasure to know this delightful soul and the air around her is just so sweet. her work is so splendid, i don't know one person who wouldn't like it. she takes little things in life and makes them so wonderful in the most playful, oddly melancholic, but hopeful and beautiful way. there's joy in the glimpses of her characters lives, wherever they are, in whatever they're doing (whether it be eating cake or drinking tea or playing with woodland creatures!). Becca is one of the sweetest little things I know, and I am so happy she is creating work that just sprouts happiness and creativity in my life and the lives around her. please look at her website & see what she is doing in west michigan! find her work here: & be sure to check out her blog that she updates frequently! you can purchase some of her work or look at all the cool things she's doing in the community around her!

here's some of her work that is so delightful and inspiring to me. i know they will bring little smiles to your faces too!

Monday, October 17, 2011

most roads lead to home

I am alive............though I might be dead or sleeping
I have survived.........trying to find my way out of leaving
& I’m having trouble leaving........I keep breaking all these oars
I can’t mold what’s not mine.......that ship won’t sail anymore
the journey is the thing................and I’m barely following
like this mirage from inside the back of my head, from just outside my reach
you are survived, you are not alone, don’t give up 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

let me in

open up your heart 
let me in
i am aching with love for you 

open up your heart
let me in 
i am longing for you 

open up your heart
let me in

open up your heart 
let me in

open up your heart
let me in

open up your heart let me in open up your heart let me in open up your heart let me in 

look my way look my way look my way look my way my love
look my way look my way look my way look my way my love
look my way look my way look my way look my way my love
look my way look my way look my way look my way my love

it's going to be great
it's going to be full of me
it's going to be wild
it's going to be great
it's going to be full of me
it's going to be great
it's going to be full of me
it's going to be great
it's going to be full of me

it's going to be wild 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

my sweet baby.
i will never forget you.

don't dwindle.

do not let it dwindle.

please don't let it dwindle.

Friday, September 30, 2011

i had these breaths today
these complete moments

so satisfying
so nourishing
& i was ready

i was ready and so free
i still am.

i still am.

and i'm so overcome with the beauty that you are. overwhelmed with your soul. 

the words that God has blessed you with, the emotions so easily portrayed (and yet so difficult for me to express, it's as if i stumble across these just like our conversations usually tend to do, they trip, searching for perfection and i even have a delete button, yet i am too anxious and impatient)but your words.
they are unlike any others.

they are yours.
and they are so beautiful that they fill me with this sorrow, they are so beautiful they make me weep. but am i sad? what for? i am not, those moments i'm able to treat with delicacy, they are intricate and intimate.
but i am full of this deep blue, the kind you can only find in the middle of ones soul(serene, yet wallowing).

have i held you from something? am i holding you back?
can you feel Him anymore?

into Your hands i commit my spirit.

this relationship.
i relinquish.
i submit.
i surrender.

thank you for these moments, for the joy, for the pain, for the tears and anguish, for the laughter and passion. they are just a glimpse of who You are.

may Your will be done.

into your hands i commit my spirit

if you do not long for me,
do not hold on to me.

what is it you're holding on to anyway?
for i yearn for you.

deep in my bones
from the bottom of my heart.
these breaths are excruciating.

their inhales too long to bear.

i strive for freshness




Wednesday, September 28, 2011

i would like to be a child again.





playing in my daddy's office.


Mackinac Island, MI. i miss these days so.